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Hey! This is Leo for actualized.org And in this quick self-help segment we're gonna talk about How to overcome shyness. So what I'm going to do, I'm not gonna go into this topic completely in depth Beceause this is a deep topic. But what I'm gonna do is I'm provide you with some really practical things that you can start doing right now to get this problem handled in your life. So let's talk about this. Shyness. There's various forms of shyness that we can talked about. Shyness in school, shyness in business, shyness in your dating life shyness in your social life with friends. So let's brake down each one of these and give you cuple of practical techniques you could say tactics that you can use to start overcoming this shyness problem. First thing. And this is gonna be deeper idea is that it's all in your mind. This idea of shyness. You gotta get off your mind that you're shy tipe of person. You're not shy tipe of person, You're someone who's been shy in the past. That doesn't mean you have to be shy rest of your life. or that you are born shy. This is a really silly and really dangerous idea to buy in into this concept that you are somehow "A shy person" "A shy personality tipe" An extreme introvert And that you can't have success. In fact, what I can inpire you with my story hopefully is that I was extremely introverted. And I still consider my self to be a really extreme intorvert. But! I've been able to make lot of progress in that to the point where if I'm interacting now most people cannot tell that I'm introverted In fact they think that I'm extrovert. because I worked on my social skills. So first thing you got to realise that this is a problem that you can totally handle. This is not something that you have to live with rest of your life. So get that into your mind right now I want that seed planted. And then we can find ways to make it sproud to make it grow. So, let's talk about this What are some actual things that you can do Well, to really overcome shyness You have to start to overcome your self-image and you have to start to overcome this idea that people are looking at you and that people are really caring what are you doing. The problem, the fundamental problem is that you care to much about what other people think of you And that is something that you're gonna have to numb down throught a process progressive desensitization. Is that you're gonna go throught And whatever technique that I'm give you here is you're gonna numb yourself down to this idea that it's important what people think of you. 'cause right now you care to much and maybe because you care so much about how people think of you you stutter or you don't make eye contact or you don't go up and introduce yourself or you're afraid of approaching someone putting yourself out on line because you either fear rejection you fear embarrassment you fear that people will laugh at you you fear that people think that you're weird or any number of these kind of doom and gloom scenarios. the fact is that's something that you've constructed in your mind and I know because I have this I've had really bad in the past. and I still have it in some degree now It's still hard for me sometimes go up to stranger and introduce myself Or to go on the line and go you know like Hit on the girl in a club or in a bar that's still challenging So, first of all, realise that you're totally normal And that there are a lot, a lot people in the world millions of people caught in this situation And the reason is they haven't gone in there and they haven't numb themselves down to it. So the only way that you're really overcome shyness is by actually going out and interacting with people. You can't really avoid that. What you can do is kind of build up gradually so that is not as painful or scary as it would be if you just for example went up and you had to give speech in front of a thousand people in an auditorium and that would be so scary that you probably trow up and you would never do it. Whereas if you start yourself a small and baby step your way up over long period of time then you can get this problem handled. So for example. If you are shy in the context of work like you're not asserting yourself at work and you know that you're that other people are more involved their voices being heard more in group meetings etc. what you gotta do is to start opening yourself up start very small what can you do what's one thing you can do well you could maybe find one colleague or two colleagues and just make friends to them and start building up relationships with them and maybe you could start going to luch or meeting up wiht them during cofee breaks or at the watercooler and just start chatting them up it's something that you can have to you have train yourself to do and you have to push you comfort zone a little bit 'cause naturally you're not gonna want go and just have some idle chitchat with somebody at the water cooler or maybe ask them to lunch maybe what i they reject you you have to put yourself out on a limb It's a small limb the fact is that most people will not reject you you'll be suprised how good they respond to you And if you're socially uncalibrated, they'll still respond well to you in most cases. and even if they don't again this goes back to the problem of Why you care so much? Why you're care so much that someone doesn't want to go to luch with you or snubs you at the water cooler it's not that big of a deal and you have to get yourself accustomed to that 'cause right now if you're very sensitive to it if you have go a thin skin then that's gonna be paniful But you got to put yourself out there and try it so start small and then once for example you've got some lunch relationships bulit you're going out with people at lunch maybe then you're going out first with one other person so just the two of you then maybe you inveite a thirt person then maybe you hold a a weekly lunch With, you know, with your team of ten people or five people. And all o sudden you start kind of hobnobbing with them interacting with them in kind o a more casual lunch environment. Then all the sudden when you're work in a group meeting, then you can be more assertive there. And it'll just transfer over and you'll get better and better at it. It's something you have to pratice. That's the work situation. How about shyness with the opposite sex? How do you overcome that problem? That's something that I've been working on for the last few years Really big problem or me because I really wasn't involved with relationships or dating when I was growing up in hish school and in college. Because I just simply chose not to something that was not on my priority list I've used distraction for me. And that came to bite me in the ass because Well, Then I realised that eventually I have to get involved in it and now I don't have the skills and the experience that I would've developed how I've been in that environment Plus I would have more more opportunity to get exposed to it Through school and college was a good place to get exposed. So, if you are scared there and you are shy You have put yourself on line again. If you're guy, go out to bars go out to clubs, hang out with other guy friends and see what they're doing. and copy them. and go approach girls. and yes, it's gonna be painful it's gonna be scary, but you have to do it. that's the only way you're gonna get that part of your life handled. That can be really well process that I can't go into here but just realise that you have to go out there and put yourselfout on the line. and the worst case scenario is you get shot down and you know what? It literally does not feel nearly as bad as you make it out to be in your mind. So you just have to go out there and put yourself on the line. For women, Women don't pursue guys as much as guys pursue girls so it's little bit different. But again. It's still the same situation. If you wanna be moreassertive if you wanna be more authentic you have to go out there and put yourself on the line. So start small, and then build your way up. The same situation applies to like your social circle of friends You just have to push yourself to do little bit more in each interaction. So for example if you go out with your girlfirend to lunch, and you feel like you're fifth wheel in the group and you're not serving much of a purpose and you're not really assertive and you're kind o meek Then, you gotta realise that situation and in that moment step it up. And try to push it little bit. Try to get outside of your comfort zone and do that every time you're in an interaction and eventually you're gonna open up. you're gonna start to open up. I've actually found a really good way to brake your shyness. is to go and talk to cashiers for example when you're buying your groceries or you're buying your gas or you're at a store and you're buying something. talk to the cashiers. and chat them up 'cause they're always friendly they're boards they have nothing to do and they're not gonna reject you. so they're pretty much have to talk to you they have to be nice So go up and talk with them and kind of force yourself to actually start conversation. Don't just say: "Oh, hi how you doing" and then kind of ended at that actually like maybe ask them a question or tell them somethig about yourself. What I've really found extroverts do is it's not so much that they as a lot of quiestions, is that they're really so comfortable being themselves. And being expressive that they draw you in with the magnetism So, what they do is they talk a lot about themselves. And it's usually like stupid stuff that if you're an introvert you would ask yourself and say why would you even talk about that. but fact is that it for an extrovert it doesn't metter they just blurt it out they don't have those filters in plase like we do. like introverts. So, for example if you're standing there in a grocery, grocery store and you're checking out maybe you make a little comment as to, you know, what the clerk is wearing. And maybe you poke fun it. at that person. Or you just make a slight little comment or you mentioned something that you saw on TV or in the news. you mentioned sports you mentioned something that's on your mind. you can even just mention how you're feeling. you can walk in there it doesn't matter you have to pretend to be happy, you can walk in there and say "I've had a shitty day" "I've lost my keys" and then "I ran a gas" "And now I'm here at the grocery store and you didn't have the thing that I wanted" "And this sucks" And you can just say that and the other person it doesn't matter even if it's negative when you're saying they'll still respond to it and that'll actually spark up a conversation. then you can also ask questions. and get a conversation going that way so start small and then just build your way up. And make little habit doing that all the time. I found that that's like probably on of the best ways to break out of your shyness. Start talking to people tat you're interacting with. In the real world. as you're out about doing your errands. kind of force yoursel to get those conversations to be little bit longer. Usually we try to like cut things down we don't talk to the waitress we don't talk to our bank clerk We don't talk to the gas station attendant 'cause now like we say "oh, what's the point?" But if you're introvert there is a big point you talk because first of all, you're developing the skill and second o all you should notice that you're actually gonna enjoj your day mourn your interactions more when you're actually having and stiking up these conversations. Because sometimes they'll strike up conversation and you'll find that's a lot more interesting Then you realise it could be. like you start on a topic like weather wich is boring and all sudden the cashier will tell you "Oh, she just got merried" or, you know he'll tell you that "Oh, he just bought this thing" and it's like something cool maybe you can add some value to your life. maybe you can add some value to his life. and it ends up being a win-win so those are some practical techniques I think some other things that you can do is you gotta immerse yourself in groups of people. put youself into organisations or little groups or you can actually go out there and interact with people. Big problem nowdayswhen everyone is on the internet and locked up at home is that we're just too isolated so maybe that's the problem that you have. Is that you don't have enough people to interact with so way to break up that shyness take the initiative and join a group o some kind One group that you can join for example is Toastmasters. Which is a public speaking group wich will also help you overcome the fear of public speaking. It's a really friendly environment they have Toastmasters literally all across the world in every city. Hundreds of these organisations, thousands of them little small clubs that you meet with once a week and you just talk it's very friendly very supportive easy group to join. And it's also very cheap. And then there are other groups like this. Find a group that that really holds and aligns with your interests. so you can go to someplace like meetup.com and you can search for meetup groups. literally on any topic on any subject from overcoming addictions to, you know, people that are into science fiction to people that are into music to people that are into philosophy and like talk about books, so you can find these different groups usually these are very supportive friendly environments especially it's very easy to get into them beacause they're aligned with your interests so if you like to read books of a certain kind maybe you like to read scinece fiction books you can find a group of people every week and talk about science fiction books. and break out of your shell that way and that's really good way to do it so you gotta get yourself involved with people be out there also if you've got friends, go out with them at night if they're going out to bars or go out to clubs they're going out to laser tag or some sor of social events. go with them! I know as an introvert there's strong tendency to just want to say "No that's something I really want to do, something I like to do" You can't really ask yourself Do you really wand to overcome your shyness? or do you want to be plagued by for the rest o your life? Because I can guarantee you that it will hold you back in so many ways . That's why I had to overcome it It' will hold you back in your dating life. It will hold you back with quality friends which really affects your happiness level in life if will hold you back from business opportuinities it will hold you back at work it will hold you back at school just so many different ways you don't want those areas in your life to be stifled. You wanna be expressive and you're gonna be much, so much happier When you get rid o this this whole shyness issue. You're gonna be much less self-conscious. You're gonna be relaxed and having fun. But realize it's gonna take you a while to get there. and best way to start is to get yourself out the door. Get out of the house Talk to people. Put yourself on the line a little bit more a little bit more each time. all right. That's going to do it 'cause this is our rapid quick self-help segment I'm going it there go ahead leave me your comments and go checkout actualised.org for advanced self development techinques. so I can cover this topic So much deeper on actualised.org Where we really are talk about advanced level techiniquies that you can work on your inner game on your psychology and really work on a much deeper level To understand why are you shy how to overcome it and not only how to overcome it but how to turn into a strenght of yours and take it to an amazing level where you go from introvert to extrovert or you go from being shy to be most outgoing person in your circle of friends. You can do that it's out there so go ahead check it out and I am signing off.